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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 8, 2012 1:00am-1:30am PST

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(buster poindexter's "hot, hot, hot" playing) ♪ me mind on fire, me soul on fire ♪ ♪ feelin' hot, hot, hot yeah, baby. whoo-whoo, yeah. ♪ all around me feelin' hot, hot, hot ♪ ♪ how you feelin'?! ♪ hot, hot, hot ♪ (coughing, hacking) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. thank you very much. very nice of you. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we got a good one for you tonight. my guest, cecile richards, the star of nbc's "parenthood." [laughter] oh.
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she's the president of planned parenthood. i guess my questions about what craigt. nelson is really like are... anyway, we begin tonight with accident yes's paradox, which boston chewlates that to get to your destination, you must first travel half the distance towards it and from there half the remaining distance so on and so on ipso facto et al, err go, vis-a-vis, say law vie. one can never arrive at the end point, which brings us to the race for the republican nomination for president. our coverage of endless suffrage 2012. all i heard, all i heard from these fools was that tuesday was super tuesday. so named not so much because it was sent to earth by its parent in a crystal space ship moments
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before krypton exploded, although it was, but because we would finally have a decisive night, one that would finally finish this never-ending gob stopper. tell us finally once and for all where carmen san diego is. seriously, it is like the republican nominee for president is being selected at this point by erosion. and the key to last night, super tuesday, let them tell you. >> if santorum can win in ohio, he will survive. >> if mitt romney wins ohio, he takes a giant step forward. >> if santorum can squeak this guy... >> if romney wins in ohio... >> santorum can't afford to lose ohio. >> if romney wins ohio. >> if santorum wins there, the whole omlette is up in the air. it may land on the floor. [laughter] >> jon: you have run out of metaphors. the omlette? what, are you staying at a hotel
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where an omlette bar? the omlette bar. ohio, huh? so that's it. so ohio is the decisive state. whoever wins that one, that's it. and if i'm not mistaken... >> romney delaird the winner in ohio. >> oh, okay. thanks for coming. that's a wrap. we're just going to sit back. show's over plsm romney, good luck in the general election. i'm going to smoke my pipe and watch book notes as i do unwinding after a hard day at the satire factory, unless... >> romney eked out the win in ohio. >> he barely won in the all-important state of ohio. >> mitt romney won the map but he lost the momentum. >> he could not deliver a knock-out punch. >> the republican race far from over, folks. [laughter] >> jon: every time. if only i had seen rehearsal, i
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would have known not to get too comfortable. super tuesday was supposed to be decisive, the shot heard around the world. now it's the shot that was mathematically inconclusive, and that's not nearly as satisfying. >> the throw. the long drive. it's going to be, i believe, good enough. the giants are a leading contender for the pennant. the giants are a leading con tenter for the pennant. a lot of baseball still to go. >> jon: you know who is the greatest purveyor of the false hopes that this would end, the lucy with the super tuesday football. >> we'll be able to get some results from arguably the most important super tuesday contest, ohio, the key battleground state. >> 63 delegates are at stake in ohio. no republican has ever won the white house in november without first winning ohio. whoever wins ohio will walk away with something very, very important. let's see what we can do, whether or not we'll be able to make a projection or not, but guess what, ohio, ohio, ohio. [laughter]
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>> jon: so you're saying ohio. with a 12-foot digital clock behind you and repeating the word ohio. now watch closely as this enormous balloon that has been inflated before our very eyes turns out to be a whoopi cushion. >> ohio, ohio, ohio, the key battleground state. >> and as expected, we cannot make a projection in ohio right now. [laughter] [cheering and applause] >> jon: are you not... are you not under-tained? there goes my whole night. sorry, kids, daddy can't read you a bed time story. he has to watch john kick [bleeped] ohio on a screen to find how differently catholics voted in adams county this time
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versus '08. and get your thing off cuyahoga. you're welcome. blitzer's enthusiasm is so pure, it must be real. it's like they keep even him in the dark about what's really going on so his on-screen emotions seem like they're actually happening. it's kind of like what they did with the dog in "bolt." but believe me, at a certain point, other personalities on cnn... >> at what point will we be able to project a winner in ohio? >> that's always the question we ask around this time because we all want to get out of here. >> >> jon: he's making a break for it. seal the situation room. cooper's on the move. of course, all this didn't prevent cnn from breaking out the newest weapon in non-information. >> tom foreman is taking us on a virtual, a virtual convention to give us a sense of how the
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delegate count may play out. >> i'm virtually standing right now at the republican convention in tampa. >> jon: you're gol hallow deck technology, and you're blowing it on the inside of the tamp that convention center. how the hell can you not place yourself on a space ship or 18th century france or combine the two with a zero gravity brothel. i'm sorry. i interrupted you. show me again what's happening in pretend tampa. >> now let's see how the battlefield is changing this evening. >> this is one of the bigger nights for newt gingrich. we've added his new delegates over there on the left. but look at mitt romney. expanding his lead, trying to grind down his opponents by picking up another whole bloc of seats. >> jon: well, mitt romney is very popular with those artificially rendered computer people. i think we may have found his base.
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[laughter] actually, we kid around. any virtual environment does have its unpredictable dangers. you never know what you might encounter there. >> at that point all bets are off. >> keep it clean. >> let's go, let's go. >> goddamnit, leroy. >> goddamnit. leroy, you moron. [laughter] >> jon: i guarantee you, i guarantee you there's a dude right now watching tv that just had the change his pants. guarantee you. oh, my god, oh... [laughter] i [bleeped] that. leroy! all right.
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anyway, the candidates didn't even stick around long enough to catch all the coverage. all of them giving their speeches well before all the votes were counted. rick santorum opened his speech on a note of charming humility. >> we're in steubenville, ohio. [cheering and applause] not too many presidential can dates come to steubenville ohio, much less hold their victory party in steubenville, ohio. >> jon: they can hear you. i mean, seriously, what kind of a schmuck would hold a victory party in this [bleeped] hole. am i right? seriously. the night's bigger winner than the other winners, what note would he sound, grandiose, humble, grateful? >> on november 6th we're going to stand united, not only having won an election, but having saved a future. [laughter] >> jon: saved a future. what are you, a 2-1,000 sent back to warn us of the coming robot apocalypse.
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oh, my god, mitt romney is the-1000 sent back to warn us o >> jon: welcome back.
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now, while the republican candidates spent yesterday trying to become president, there was a fella who was the president. press conference. >> now, i understand there are some political contests going on tonight.
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but i thought i'd start the day off by taking a few questions, which i'm sure will not be political in nature. >> jon: oh, it appears super tuesday just became sarcastic tuesday. [laughter] a little cynical there, my friend. give them a chance to ask what they're going to ask. >> your critics will say on capitol hill that you want gas prices to go higher because you have said before that will wean the american people off fossil fuels on to renewble fuels. how do you respond to that? >> jon: i'll tell you how he's going to respond. i think he's going to tap his strategic derision returns. >> ed, from a political perspective, do you think the president of the united states going into an election wants gas prices to go higher is. there anybody here who thinks that makes a lot of sense? [cheering and applause] >> jon: i'll tell you what, i'll tell you, what ed, i'll answer your question just as soon as i inflate this. [laughter]
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that may not have seemed the most presidential tone, but understand the derision is based on the type of questions that are coming at him. >> your critics here in the united states, including john mccain, said you should start air strikes now. >> mitt romney has criticized you on iran and said hope is not a foreign policy. >> mitt romney on sunday went so far as to say that if you are reelected, iran will get a bomb and the world will change. >> he also said that you are america's most feckless president since carter. what would you like to say to mr. romney? >> jon: i'd tell him to go feck himself. that's what i'd say. feck. feck himself. as usual, the white house press corps was practicing what can only be called instigative journalism, like investigative journalism, only instead of investigating, they instigate. they prod the person at the podium with someone else's trash talk to see if they can gin up
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the fight. it's like a fortune cookie game, but instead of adding in bed to the end of every one of their questions, you just have to add, are you going to take that [bleeped]? let's play. >> on iran, mitt romney went so far to say if you are reelected, iran will get a bomb and the world will change. >> jon: you going to take that [bleeped]? >> democrats have said that republicans on a similar issue are engaged in a war on women. some top republicans say it's more like democrats are engaged in a war for the women's vote. >> mr. president, my question to you is are you going to take that [bleeped]? >> latino voters, some are still disappointed, others upset about a promise you made on immigration reform that has yet to come to pass. >> i guess my question to you then would be, vasa tomas esa mierda? >> my question is about the switch from the g-8 summit from
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camp david to washington. the reason is now you wanted a more intimate summit. [laughter] >> jon: in bed. some still work with "in bed." it's not like there wasn't plenty of non-hearsay news for the media to ask about just from the previous 24 hours. >> attorney general eric holder says that the u.s. can legally target and kill american citizens overseas if they're tied to terrorism. >> holder says dew point doesn't mean judicial process, especially when it comes to national security. >> jon: what, did... huh? right there he said "dew point doesn't mean judicial process." all right. dew point -- due process does not mean what you think. how come no one at the press conference brought that up, didn't even say a word about it. if there were only some way to get the press corps interested in something... hey, media your critics say that your first presidential press conference in three months you didn't say anything about an historically
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massive executive branch power grab. you going to take that [bleeped]? [laughter] we'll be right back.[cheering a]
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, she is the president of planned parenthood and president of planned parenthood action fund. please welcome to the program cecile richards. [cheering and applause]
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how are you? >> fantastic. >> jon: you know, i have been watching the news recently. >> yeah. >> jon: there is a tremendous discussion going on in this country right now on women's health issues, contraception, mainly amongst i guess-year-old call them penissed americans. so we thought why not bring in someone without a penis to discuss how it affects the people that it actually are being talked about. >> that's big of you. and it's great. >> jon: let me say this. you're welcome. no, has that been odd to watch? >> it's incredible. it's absolutely incredible to see now, well, first that birth control itself is a topic of political debate in this presidential election. >> jon: you mean religious liberty. >> well, actually, yeah, i mean,
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for women, obviously birth control is not a religious topic, it's a health topic, and 99% of women in america use it. and at planned parenthood we provide birth control to millions of women every year. so i think they're mystified by what the controversy is all about. [cheering and applause] >> jon: are you... does this put... what is this... do you fear that you're going back into a place where we have to have the contraception conversation all over again, that that was battle that was fought? >> you would think so, again, since everyone uses it now, and actually the exciting thing is for the first time, we think women actually will get finally birth control covered by their insurance plans, which is a great health... it's a great advance for women's health. it's a great economic issue for women, but in this presidential primary, this sort of race to the bottom where every presidential candidate on the republican side is trying the
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say, i would be absolutely the worst for women, including being opposed to birth control coverage. i think the last time we actually... that birth control was a controversial topic was during prohibition. >> jon: '60s and '70s it was an issue. isn't that when griswold was decided? >> yes, actually for the first time married couples could use birth control legally. >> the interesting thing to me is how it has been changed to be an issue about women wanting someone to pay for them to have sex or money coming out of other people's pockets so women can have sex, it strikes me as a very interesting direction to take the conversation. >> it's actually really hard to... i don't even know if i can respond to that. yeah, yeah. >> jon: i can. i did on the show earlier. >> and thanks for covering this issue. for women, look, at planned parenthood, we see one in five
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women in america as some point in their lifetime. this last year i think i've heard from every single one of them because they're astounded we're redebating issues that have been settled for a long time. >> jon: the caricature of planned parenthood is this idea of an abortion factory where the idea is that's how you make your money and you'll set up a drive-through and there's no thoughtfulness, there's no morality to it. it is, you know, that is the type of evil place that it is. what's the reality of the place? what's the mandate? -the reality is we're the largest family provideer in the america and we do more to prevent unintended pregnancy than any other organization in this country. >> jon: what would be something that you think maybe your critics would be very surprised to know about. >> more than 90% of our services are preventative care. we provide more than two million folks with birth control each year, but we do more than
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750,000 pap smears every year, breast exams for women. >> jon: on different people. not... obviously that wouldn't be right to do to one person. >> no, that's right. actually, the great thing about planned parenthood is we're all across the country, and what's for many women, we are their only medical provider. we are their doctor. on the one doctor visit they get a year is planned parenthood. that's why there's been this groundswell of concern when politicians are saying we're going to end not only planned parenthood but all family planning in america. >> jon: what do you think, if planned parenthood was one of those things that was put to a vote in america, i get the sense that it would be... >> i think we'd win. >> jon: it would be a pretty poplar place in local communitiesen it seems like people understand it better than on the national stage. >> absolutely right, jon. in fact, as i said, one in five women have been to planned parenthood, so they know what we do. not that i'm competitive, but i did just see some national polling. 69% of the american people not
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only support planned parenthood but believe we should get public funding to provide the services that we do. congress approval rating hovering around 10%. so if it really came down to who do you think is on your side as a woman and family, i think folks would vote for planned parenthood. [applause] >> jon: who would you be running against again? do you have five minutes to stick around? we'll talk a little bit more with cecile richards from planned parenthood. [cheering and applause] >> jon: that's our show.
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. i'll tell you what, there is nothing like at 11:20 at night a nice little family planning conversation while you're at home [bleeped] your brains out to the tv. i'll tell you what, we're all lucky in the middle of that leroy jenkins didn't come barging in. leroy jenkins! here it is, your moment of zen. >> it was just odd. it felt like uncle rico in napoleon dynamite? >> which one was uncle rico? >> the guy with the hair parted in the middle and he was con